RICHARDSON (Retrograde) — In a crushing blow felt by students all across campus, local student Eli Slumber pulled an all nighter only to accomplish absolutely nothing by the time the birds started chirping.
“So there I was, and it was like, what, 11 p.m.” Slumber recounted to The Retrograde over Discord at 6 a.m. “And I was like, look, I don’t have anything tomorrow, why don’t I try to get a head start on some of my homework?”
Slumber, an ECS student who went completely blank when asked for a specific major or year, proceeded to open VS Code and let the cursor sit there for 10 minutes, thinking of what to build.
“I have, like, three different classes that all have these projects,” Slumber said. “And the classes are interesting and I really want to build something unique for all of them and really try in each of them, you know? I want to be creative and I want to learn.”
Stuck in a state of paralysis between the three projects, he decided to start watching tutorials that might prove helpful to any of them. However, as the hours flew past and the cans of Red Bull piled on the floor, he slowly began to question if what he was doing was even worthwhile.
“So it’s like 5 a.m. and I’m on my seventh can [of Red Bull],” Slumber said. “And I have a slightly better understanding of C struct optimization. Look, it’s really interesting.”
Slumber proceeded to give a lengthy and dazed account of the concept which Retrograde staff did not even attempt to parse through.
“But after watching the three hour lecture twice, I’m not sure if it actually pertains to any of the projects I wanted to do,” Slumber said. “I got to hear the birds chirping though, so that was neat.”
At this point in the video interview, Slumber fully passed out on top of his keyboard. Five minutes later, his roommate, biology junior Joe Vasken, walked by Slumber’s computer and decided to provide additional comments.
“He always fucking does this shit,” Vasken said. “Every week I’ll be trying to make dinner in the shared kitchen and he’ll come in yapping about some idea he has. Typically shaking. I don’t think he’s actually built anything. I’ll bet you money he didn’t even have the project descriptions or shit open on eLearning.”
After a couple mouse clicks and keystrokes, Vasken continued. “Yeah. This fucker doesn’t have shit open. Jesus fucking Christ.”
At time of publication, Slumber was busy sleeping through his 1 p.m. “Intro to Bombing Middle Eastern Children” class, which is the last class required for his degree.